Dark Ages

HELLO! and welcome one and all. Welcome back to those who have followed me from Mother and Other of SE23 (I sincerely apologise for the prolonged absence).  There is much to catch up on. But there is little time for introductions and catching up right now, wherever you have come from, as I am currently experiencing the very worst suffering a human can imagine. Yes, that is correct, I am now NEARLY A MONTH in to a life with no internet. (Let that sink in). YES, I have been surviving, just like Beyonce, and I have made it through 23 full days of not being able to work, not being able to ask Alexa anything, not being able to plant my beloved cherubs in front of a screen and let them loose on You Tube or Fortnite, not being able to catch up on The Split and The Pottery Throw Down and absolutely no NETFLIX.  It is an almost unimaginable horror. 

As you might be able to imagine, as well as a sharp drop in my income, and a sharp rise in extortionate data ‘add ons’ from unscrupulous network providers (I shall NEVER again complain about my broadband charges - it is a pittance in comparison to trying to access the internet via the magic of 4G) there have been other, very unwelcome side effects. One: the children have interacted with each other. This sounds delightful and even advantageous - but one of the biggest myths of modern parenting is that the internet is terrible. It is not. I am here to tell you that five children without the internet is a thing of utter horror. The children range in age from 4 to 15 and without the wonderful wonders of that magnificent World Wide Web they congregate together in small packs, fighting, bickering and worst of all - playing games together. SURE it sounds idyllic and ‘like the old days’ but really, playing is just an excuse to make a world of mess, injure each other with the almost indisputable excuse of ‘play’, cry about various injustices/cheating in board games and the NOISE.  

The headphones the children wear make the internet silent. There are no headphones for the children playing. The noise often reaches cacophonous levels and I, ill equipped to deal with such technological short comings, have had to live with that noise, morning and night (ALL hail the invention of school, my only saving grace). Without the internet to separate them, they seem to enjoy congregating in one room.  There are a number of rooms in this house. It isn’t huge but with the internet working, it is plenty big enough. Without the internet it feels half the size. The running, squealing and physical fighting (with swords - I am not over egging this - ACTUAL large wooden swords) has driven me to the brink. Obviously I am not anti-play  - I can see the beauty in it - I'm just not used to it happening so much in such a confined area. With three weeks of storms and rain, it has felt particularly hard work and the constant clean up has really taken its toll. Although it has taught me that I clearly rely on the internet a little too much so going forward, I may incorporate a few internet free weekend sessions so we can enjoy some good old fashioned, 'fun' family time. Actually to be honest, I really do not enjoy playing board games with them. I appreciate that with a few older children it could be fun, but with various ages and personalities to accommodate, playing Cluedo becomes less a fun activity and more an exercise in diplomacy, patience, tolerance and fight resolution.

I have clearly been labouring under a wildly false apprehension that I was ‘coping’ with the whole parenting malarkey. I am often told ‘ooh, I don’t know how you do it’ - but here is the thing - I AM CLEARLY NOT. I am a modern parent and as such I am used to instant things - downloading any free film they fancy watching, whenever I want to keep them quiet; whatsapp messages; asking Alexa for help with homework and announcing that it’s supper time; earning money from the comfort of my own home in the joyous silence of the school day; sitting in separate rooms to my husband as he watches Netflix in one room and I catch up on my terrible TLC (it’s a sky channel that is solely made up of real life programmes such as Say Yes To The Dress, My 600lb life, 90 Day Fiancé before the 90 days, Outdaughtered, Dr Pimple Popper, My Big Fat Fabulous Life etc etc etc) addiction in the other. We can’t even use our printer as it relies upon the hallowed wifi.  

The only advantage is that it has meant the children and I are much happier to go en masse to my mother’s at the weekend to enjoy free food and working Wifi. Although I’m not sure that this counts as a bonus for anyone except me, as it means I get to enjoy NOT providing the children with a meal which is the biggest excitement I get these days. I can honestly say the novelty of feeding my offspring has entirely worn off. 15 years ago, with my first precious baby girl, I was so worried about doing it ‘wrong’ I mistakenly thought buying organic jars of lovely mushed up food and feeding her only those, would be the best thing to do. To this day, I cannot fathom what I was thinking. Eventually I came to my senses and she then quickly progressed on to ‘real’ food and found that much like her mother, there was very little she wouldn’t eat. Including an infamous trial of my friend’s used cat litter. NICE. She would quite often have had her 5 a day in her breakfast and would eat vast numbers of cherry tomatoes in one sitting. Obviously, this changed as she grew up and her love of smoked salmon and avocado diminished until she was, predictably, eating ‘standard’ children’s food. But back in the early days of parenting, feeding your cute little babies is quite fun, it is such a big milestone and feels like you’re ‘properly’ doing the whole parenting thing. Fast forward 4 more pregnancies/children, 4 diagnosed Coeliacs, various long periods of time with little to no money and you arrive where I am now. With a very small weekly repertoire of meals the children will eat - only one or two that they will all agree to eat and a freezer full of oven chips. I’m not proud of it. I would love to be better at cooking and whip up vegetable curries packed full of chickpeas and spinach and present it with a flourish at 5 O clock to rapturous applause. But what I would actually be met with is tears from at least 2 of them. Possibly 3. It would inevitably lead to them not eating and then them all sneaking back in to the kitchen to forage for food later in the day whilst I am distracted - it is very much like living with a rat infestation - you go upstairs with nice food to eat in your kitchen and then come down some time later to discover discarded wrappers and crumbs in its place. 

The last word from BT was that my internet would be back on any day now, but others on the road have heard the end of the month, which would be a further 4 weeks. I can only imagine the pain. The big children have now started saying they will be moving in with Grandma until the wifi is back on. Although I'm hurt by the insinuation that they are only hanging around us for the internet access, I do like the idea of having only 2 smaller children to look after - I can't deny I would absolutely love some child free evenings. The older they get, the longer the hours you have to spend with them get, and I am quite often awoken up by one of the big ones as I snooze on the sofa between 9-10pm, in order for them to say goodnight to me. Grandma is no fool though and I very much doubt she'd enjoy her peace being shattered as well as the endless school runs, washing, after school clubs, feeding, fighting etc.

We will just have to hope that a collective frustration from our neighbours and us is enough to convince Openreach to pull their finger out and get us reunited once more. If not then I may solve all the problems and move to grandma's myself and leave them all here to fight it out amongst themselves.....